Apologia: Given the intense screamy shouty nature of these movies, it feels necessary for any conversation about them to be in ALL CAPS.
HOLY SHIT. THIS THING IS ALMOST FOUR MINUTES LONG! (I HAVEN’T SEEN A TRAILER THIS LONG SINCE FINCHER DROPPED AN EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTE TRAILER FOR HIS DRAGON TATTOO REMAKE.)
OH LOOK. IT BEGINS LIKE EVERY OTHER FAST MOVIE. DOM IS LIVING A QUIET AND PEACEFUL LIFE. #FARMLIFE. BUT FOR HOW LONG?
BUT OF COURSE DOM AND LETTY’S KID IS CALLED BRIAN. #BECAUSEFAMILY
DAMN, THAT TONE SHIFTED QUICKLY. WHAT’S COMING LETTY? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
OKAY, THE GANG’S BACK TOGETHER AND THEY’RE RISKING EVERYTHING. AGAIN. ONLY THIS TIME, IT’S REALLY EVERYTHING. LIKE EVERYTHING EVERYTHING. NOT LIKE LAST TIME, WHEN IT WAS ONLY SOME OF EVERYTHING.
WHAT’S COMING? OR RATHER, WHO’S COMING? A MASTER THIEF, ASSASSIN, AND HIGH PERFORMANCE DRIVER IN THE SHAPE OF JOHN CENA. WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE… WAIT FOR IT… DOM’S MUCH WHITER BROTHER! #BECAUSEFAMILY
WE’VE SUBSTITUTED ONE CHARISMATIC WRESTLER FOR ANOTHER AND ARE REALLY HOPING YOU WON’T NOTICE.
IT’S BEEN NINE MOVIES AND WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS BROTHER BEFORE? THEN AGAIN, WHO KNEW PALPATINE WAS ALIVE?
OH HELLO JORDANA BREWSTER. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE? WHERE’S BRIAN? DID JOHN CENA KILL HIM? #REVENGE #BECAUSEFAMILY
OOOHHH. CHARLIZE HAS A NEW HAIRCUT!
WAIT. WHY IS HELEN MIRREN MONOLOGUING ABOUT #FAMILY? IS THE STATH IN THIS MOVIE? IS SHE DOM’S LONG-LOST MUCH WHITER, MORE ENGLISH MOTHER?
CARS WITH ROCKETS! CALLED IT! COMING IN 2022 TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU: FAST T-MINUS 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5… IN SPACE.
DID JUSTIN LIN JUST RECREATE THE TEMPLE OF DOOM BRIDGE SCENE WITH CARS?
WHY DOES CHARLIZE HAVE A STEALTH FIGHTER?
HAN’S BACK! HE WAS NEVER DEAD. IT WAS ALL PART OF A CUNNING PLAN BY THE STATH. ALL IS FORGIVEN SHAW. YOU CAN OFFICIALLY BE A GOOD GUY NOW.
WHO IS JUSTICE? AND WHEN IS S/HE COMING? IS IT THE ROCK? I’M PRETTY SURE HIS LEFT MOOB IS CALLED “JUSTICE”. THE RIGHT ONE IS CALLED “FREEDOM”.
HAVE VIN AND DWAYNE KISSED AND MADE UP SINCE HOBBS & SHAW MADE ENOUGH MONEY FOR BOTH TO BUY THEMSELVES NEW PATIO FURNITURE?
I’M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THAT THE TRAILER DIDN’T SHOW THE FAST PROTON SAGA WE WERE PROMISED IN THE TITLE. BUT THEN AGAIN, THEY’VE GOT TO SAVE SOME REVEALS FOR THE ACTUAL MOVIE. I DID MANAGE TO FIND SOME SECRET UNRELEASED FOOTAGE THOUGH.
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