Harry & Meghan

61 Thoughts I Had While Watching Harry & Meghan

Dept. of Royal Rumbles


The last year hasn’t been easy for my other homeland, England. The struggling economy, two fallen Prime Ministers, the death of Her Majesty the Queen, and now this. A horror, far worse than any I could have imagined. Harry and Meghan have made a docuseries about their “struggle.”

Now don’t get me wrong. Back in the day, I too got caught up in their royal romance. I was excited at the notion of their forbidden fairy tale. Harry, the darling of the masses, was getting married to an American “commoner?” And a Black actress at that? And the monarchy was okay with it? Was this progress? Was the monarchy entering the 21st century? Were Harry and Meghan England’s newest golden couple? Nah. Not a chance.

Because then they made that decision to “leave” (but not really leave) the royal family and move to America because they felt like they were being “oppressed.” That’s when things went downhill for me.

But before I get into my incredibly lengthy thoughts about this docuseries, let me preface things by saying this. I’m not hating on Harry and Meghan because of who they are. My annoyance stems from the fact that after they left, they went on a pity party to gain public sympathy because they were apparently “broke,” constantly hounded by the press, and that the royals were apparently racist and oppressive towards non-royals. WE KNEW ALL THESE THINGS, YOU MUPPETS. Even we knew what to expect, so it’s just absurd that the both of you didn’t. This is your bed, now lie in it. Welcome to the real world.

Harry & Meghan
Harry spends most of the docuseries just staring at Meghan with different facial expressions.

And with that, let’s begin.

1. Right from the get go, we’re listening to personal phone recordings that are meant to demonstrate how difficult it is for them and all of their first world problems. We’re off to a great fucking start.

2. This is clearly a docuseries that has been constructed as a way to humanise the both of them and gain public support.

3. Do they honestly expect us to believe that they had no idea what to expect when all of this began? I get if Meghan doesn’t. Simply because, as an American, she is somewhat disconnected from the monarchy. But Harry? Really Harry? You had no idea how unforgiving the press and your family would be towards this? Fuck off.

4. This is truly a story of how rich people suffer.

5. Harry’s friend thought it would be a good idea to document their transition from being royals, to essentially, rich, upper class commoners. I think his friend just played the best practical joke of all time.

6. OH LOOK! THEY USE SNAPCHAT TOO! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US! (Or at least like snotty teenagers looking to hide their sexting.)

7. We’re online dating. Isn’t that so unique and adorable?

8. Oh no! The press is making them feel incredibly uncomfortable. Constantly hounding them and digging into their personal lives. DUH! Were you not paying attention to what your mother or Kate experienced Harry? What were you expecting?

9. Oh no, I’m a royal. Anyone who dates me eventually leaves because they cannot take the pressure. Oh woe is me, I’m such a poor little prince.

10. They keep calling themselves “M” and “H.” Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. I don’t care.

Harry & Meghan
If we stay within the confines of our massive, sprawling estate, maybe the pap won’t find us.


12. Why are they trying to make this seem like it’s the greatest love story of all time? Why does it come off as feeling so forced?

13. Meghan is just like Diana??? Excuse me??? EXCUSE ME HARRY??

14. Is there no other personal family photo they could use of Diana? Honestly, an official portrait of her hung up on the wall of their house? Wow!

15. Poor Harry. During his mother’s funeral, he felt incredibly pressured to maintain that “royal” duty while also grieving. That’s understandable. Wait. What? You felt pressured because “the public were being so supportive and taking you both in as their children?” Oh yeah, that’s a lot of pressure. Being cared for and supported. Big pressure.

16. Yes, the British press are assholes and extremely ruthless in their ways. But this isn’t news Harry. You’ve lived this your whole life. Stop pretending to be surprised. Also, what did you expect? For them to not point a camera at you? YOU ARE A ROYAL! IT’S WHAT HAPPENS!

17. Oh Christ. We’re back to Meghan and the love story. Yippee.

18. Yes Meghan, it’s such a big deal to be with your partner for 24/7, for a whole week, ON A HOLIDAY TO BOTSWANA, TO WHICH YOU WERE FLOWN THERE ON A PRIVATE JET. But it’s okay. Because they liked each other. Thank God.

19. Oh, I must tell my friend about this. But as I’m saying it, can I make it very clear that I had to do it at Begdorf Goodman? That is very important. Make sure you show the store as well.

20. “Meghan, we have to hide from the public. Let’s go to my castle.”

21. The monarchy are essentially trapped in cages with no freedom, being observed at all times from the public and the press. OH BOO FUCKING HOO HARRY! BOO FUCKING HOO!

22. The tabloids are about to make our relationship public tomorrow. Instead of trying to do some damage control or figure out what the next move is after that, let’s go to a Halloween party, because no one will recognize us, even though our faces are in plain view everywhere. Oh no, we’re not “the” Harry and Meghan. We’re just some normal people with costumes see? PARTY TIME!

23. What? The press are being incredibly critical about our relationship? Surely there were some signs that this would happen? Surely we could have prepared for this with the army of consultants and public relations experts at our disposal? No? Okay.

24. “I didn’t know what I was walking into with the press.” Really Harry? REALLY?

25. Right, Episode 2. Oh, we’re still complaining about the press and how they are chasing you. Cool.


27. Oh no! The happy love times are coming to an end!

28. We didn’t see any of this coming? Is this what happens when a royal marries a mixed-race, divorced, Hollywood actress. How could this be?

29. Meghan has just said, “All eyes are on me now. I don’t know how to deal with it.” Yeah, because the eyes were certainly not on you in Hollywood.

30. If there’s anything I’m learning from this, is how full of herself Meghan is. “LOOK HOW AMAZING I AM!”

Harry & Meghan

31. “I grew up looking more white. I didn’t know how racism felt.” After which she proceeds to explain how her African American mother was marginalized and treated as a third class citizen. But she didn’t know how racism felt. Let that sink in for a moment.

32. “The press are predominately white and sensationalized.” Harry and Meghan are just so confused why the press would treat her this way. Like how? And why?

33. At least their goal and mission to make the world a better place, especially for third world countries, is kind of admirable.

34. Is there any part of Meghan’s personal life that is bad? Oh wait, I get it now. She’s explaining how amazing her life was before the royal family. Because marrying into it made her life absolutely terrible. Got it.

35. And we’re back to complaining about the paparazzi.

36. “What? This is all happening because of Harry? I have to live like this?” Uhm. Well yes. You’re going into a relationship with a royal, Meghan. This isn’t pseudo-Hollywood nouveau fame. THIS IS A ROYALTY.

37. This isn’t an act Meghan. It’s not like after they perform their royal duties for the public, they go back to the palace, strip down to their underwear, and talk like country bumpkins. God, how is she so oblivious?

38. Wait. Did she just compare going to Balmoral to meet the Queen, like going to fucking “Medieval Times?” Harry looks pissed.

39. She just openly admitted that she had no idea what to do when she met the Queen and was only informed about how to act in the car on the way there. Yes, I understand that you may not know all of the protocol, and it’s Harry’s fault for not briefing you, BUT YOU’RE MEETING THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND!

40. Aaaaannnnddd we’re back to how amazing Meghan is.

41. Did her friend just say that her role in Suits was the first time any biracial actor has been represented on screen? Oh wait, yes that’s right. Halle Berry, Maya Rudolph, Rashida Jones, none of them count. I completely forget that Meghan invented television and then paved the way for biracial actors by way of her minor supporting role on Suits. Damn. That’s amazing.


43. Oh, hi Boris! Oh, hi Farage! Fancy seeing your faces pop up here.

44. Brexit is happening. So therefore our relationship will be in even more turmoil. Yes, forget the fact that a major life changing event is happening to the public. Your relationship is of the utmost priority.

45. The announcements were rehearsed? What? Say it isn’t true Meghan!

46. Okay, so now we’re delving into colonialism and slavery. What exactly is this documentary about? I’m so lost….

47. How is she still so ignorant about royal protocols. Even after meeting William, Kate, the Queen and Prince Philip, she still has the audacity to say, “I really don’t know what the royal protocols are.”

48. “What’s a walkabout? What do I do?” Perhaps, in line with the life you’re about to marry into, MAYBE DO SOME RESEARCH ABOUT IT! Honestly, how has Harry not briefed her on anything?

49. Harry is now saying that, “the press essentially controls how the Monarchy is portrayed in the public. You have to play their game.” So, all that talk earlier about not knowing what you were walking into, and how surprised you were at the press towards all of this… was bullshit?

Harry & Meghan

50. Honestly, this series should have been called “Royals vs. Press.”

51. What exactly is the point of introducing the niece? Oh wait, I know. It’s to show how amazing Meghan is!

52. And now we’re back to slavery.

53. Oh wow. “Working and living with normal people has such an effect.” I think that is the most royal sentence I’ve ever heard in my life.

54. Yes, Harry. Life is difficult as a commoner. Big surprise.

55. Good God, how much about the royal family does Meghan even know? Is all of this meant for us to gain sympathy for her? Please, even a 10-year-old knows more about monarchy than you do.

56. “Learning the protocols are so difficult,” says Meghan. I’m just gonna leave this here.

57. Why did she need to “Google” “Royal Protocols.” Oh yes, that’s right. Her boyfriend and his family have no idea about that. Makes sense. “Google” instead of asking. Yes. Correct.

58. SO THAT’S WHY THE NIECE WAS INTRODUCED! To show us how her mother forced her not to see Meghan. And the point to the story was?

59. Oh look, it’s Lee Hsien Loong!

60. Honestly, how full of herself is she. “Meghan was the future of the Monarchy?” Wow…

61. Did Harry’s friend just say, “I’m so proud Harry learned to be anti-racist.” Yes. Yes he did.

And I’m done. Harry & Meghan has no clear vision, no clear outline, and I have no idea what it wants from me. If this was to showcase their life? Sure, it did that. If it was to showcase their struggle and gain public sympathy for leaving the monarchy? Bollocks to that. Sorry Harry and Meghan, this is your life now, which is still a million times more privileged than others. So yeah, sit down, do your work, maybe use that privilege well, and let us get on with ours. Thanks.

Harry & Meghan is now streaming on Netflix.

Nick Dorian spent most of his childhood dreaming of being a plumber, mainly because he loved watching Super Mario go on adventures. When he heartbreakingly discovered actual plumbers don't go on great adventures in real life, he went on to sit in front of a TV or movie screen, watching more people go on adventures, and then talk to anybody around him about what he's seen, whether they liked it or not. Fast forward to today, he somehow managed to make watching movies and TV shows, and discussing them, an actual living. Which goes to show, dreams do come true. Except when you dream of being an Italian plumber who fights mushrooms and toads.

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