With the inevitable conclusion of this glorified mess of a documentary, it only made sense that I fulfill my duties as a culture critic and torture myself again over the course of three more overwrought episodes. But as much as it pained me, I knew I had a responsibility to finish this so that you wouldn’t have to. So let’s dive in, once again, into the horror that is Netflix’s Harry & Meghan.
1. As we begin our adventure, we are greeted to Meghan comparing herself to a foreign organism that could possibly make the royal family better. Because some viruses can be positive, right? Right?
2. And it’s time for their royal wedding! Look kids, it’s the Clooneys! There’s Idris Elba! And let’s not forget the Beckhams!
3. I’ll give it to them, on the face of it, their love is quite sweet-lah. At least they have each other. Even when everything else seems to have been been taken away.
4. Cutting a wedding cake with a Sword? Okay, the pretension is back.
5. “And we had Elton John singing.” As you know, Elton always plays at weddings. That’s just normal. Oh and did we mention Idris was our DJ as well?
6. Did they honestly think the royal family needed them this badly? Yes, she was indeed something different for the royals, but they’re not going to immediately become saints with you in it…
7. Did we mention that Oprah came round to see our cottage and how unlike Royals we live, even though we are literally living like Royals?
8. I really want to know what those private conversations between Meghan and the Queen. Did she really love you THAT much Meghan?
9. Please don’t make the Grenfell tragedy about you Meghan… oh wait, too late.
10. At least she did give back to the women of the community by showcasing their abilities as well as compiling a cookbook of recipes from them. It was a bit much for you to sign each and every one of them to sell though. She still managed to make a book about others, about her.
11. She’s pregnant! Rejoice!
12. And here comes the “wave of jealousy” from the royal family for all the “good press” that Meghan is having.
13. There’s the familiar sound of blaming the media. I was getting a bit worried there for a second. But it’s all good. The media bashing is in full force now!
14. Annnnddddd… we’re back to racism again.
15. “People actually believe these stories.” Yes Meghan, this is how the media manipulates, works, and sells. Where have you been living all this time?
16. I find it hilarious that while you have spent all this time bashing the tabloids, you are nevertheless featuring tons of articles from tabloids when they happen to serve your story. So do you hate them or not?
17. I get that tabloids and press were horrible to you, but surely the both of you knew this from the start. How are we supposed to believe that you didn’t expect any of this? Once again, it’s not like history wasn’t an indicator. Diana. Kate. Even with King Edward and Mrs. Simpson who have been conveniently omitted out of this documentary.
18. Dark thoughts and suicidal voices are nothing to be joked about, but to say you couldn’t have guessed how bad it would be, is honestly a little delusional. I’ll give Meghan the benefit of the doubt (if only because she probably didn’t face such pressures as a D-list Hollywood celebrity), but Harry has absolutely no excuse whatsoever.
19. “If others had to deal with it, why should she get an exemption. Should she have sucked it up like other members of the royal family?” YES HARRY! OF COURSE SHE SHOULD! SHE’S A FLIPPIN’ ROYAL NOW! WHAT MAKES HER SO DIFFERENT? NOTHING!
20. The press is dirty? Oh no, say it isn’t true.
21. And so begins the separation from the institution.
22. Good Lord, stop complaining! Of course your life would be controlled. YOU ARE A ROYAL NOW! How many times do I need to repeat this. Did you expect that you’d put on a crown, go off into the forest, and start singing to birds?
23. Carrying on the tradition from the first part, we are still very much on a Meghan love fest. Even at Archie’s baby shower, her friends literally say, “We were here to celebrate her.” Sure, there’s a baby on the way, but aren’t I, Meghan Markle, amazing?
24. Oh wait, it’s not just the press that’s ruining their lives, it’s social media as well.
25. But let’s not dwell on that. We need to get back to how amazing and strong Meghan is as a mother. Look how she’s handling the stress of leaving the royals and being a mother at the same time. Harry who? She did all of this on her own. Her fragile, tiny, little self. With no help whatsoever, except for a rather comical Nanny.
26. #weloveyoumeghan
27. STOP COMPARING HER TO DIANA!
28. Everyone shut up, Baby Archie is here!
29. “We were going to be able to create for him that thing I have always wanted.” What YOU wanted Meghan? How is this always about you?
30. Wake me up when we’re done with the pity party.
31. Did you honestly think that a letter you sent wouldn’t make it into the hands of the media? Surely there was a better way to do that than by post.
32. Did the royal family sway the press in their favour? Obviously. It’s kinda what they do Harry.
33. Watching this has me really interested in the inner workings of the Royal Rota.
34. So after four episodes of constant leaks, and private conversations exposed to the press, you are now surprised by how the media got your Canadian address? The number of self-contradictions in this documentary is staggering. It’s as if the filmmakers wanted to make them look like idiots.
35. Did Harry just say how surprised he was that the media chose to protect William over him? Protect the next one in line to the throne and not his frat boy brother? Say it isn’t so!
36. OF COURSE MEGHAN HAD TO PROVE HERSELF! She was a mixed race, divorced, American commoner.
37. Now you’re trying to convince us that the press spent time and resources setting up fake social media accounts so that they could spread hate about you? I’m pretty sure the general public could have easily done that on their own.
38. it’s the media’s influence and not people coming to their own conclusions. Because God knows it would be impossible for us to dislike Meghan organically.
39. So far, it feels like all the bad things are just happening to Meghan while Harry just stands back and says words. Seems fairly accurate actually.
40. The world is cruel. All of it looks pretty damn different outside of your sheltered existence doesn’t it Harry?
41. “The pilot then knelt down, took off his hat and said, we appreciate everything you did for our country.” That pilot was British. I doubt this actually happened. Why is she being painted as the savior for Britain? What has she actually done?
42. Are you honestly telling me that you’ve never experienced your house being surrounded by strangers and press? Once again… Meghan… former D-list celebrity… I get it. But Harry? Really? A few episodes ago, you were complaining about how the press hounded your mom and your family wherever you went, and now you’re saying this? The inconsistencies are astounding.
43. Tyler Perry is a part of this now?
44. To say they were abused is a bit of a stretch don’t you think? Doesn’t such language undermine the trauma of real victims of abuse?
45. Madea Saves the Exiled Royals. Only in cinemas. Fall 2023.
46. Now they are acting like fugitives. What are they getting at?
47. Of course the media is to blame for Meghan’s miscarriage. That, and only that, was the cause of it.
48. What has Harry been doing this whole time? Because this documentary is certainly painting Meghan as the bearer of all the stress and heartache.
49. Just how long have Harry and Meghan been living with Tyler?
50. I understand that people have insecurities, but is Meghan so insecure that she needs to be reminded at every moment how much this world needs her?
51. What was the point of recreating the moment that Beyonce texted Meghan saying how much she admired her? (It was clearly a reenactment! Harry’s reaction looked so fake.) WE GET IT, YOU ARE AMAZING!
52. I chuckled a little when William said, “We are certainly not that kind of family,” as his answer to whether his family is racist.
53. What? You flew American Airlines over British Airways, Harry? Oh, you have betrayed your motherland.
54. Hang on just a damn second. Where did all the press go? How are they out and about and living normal lives? Weren’t they just complaining about being constantly watched and hounded by strangers and press? Or was it all just an exaggeration?
55. So let me get this straight. Life in England was horrible because of the royals and the media. But life in America is great because we’re celebrities with freedom. We’re happy and integrated with normal, everyday people. The media are gone. Life is good. No more complaining from now on right?
Thank god that’s over. Let me say that this is the first time I’ve had to take legitimate breaks in between episodes of a show in order to maintain my sanity. This thing was filled with inconsistencies and confusing storytelling. Harry & Meghan tries to showcase the former royals in a more casual setting, but just ends up being one massive pity party that no one asked for. For a couple who are constantly fighting for human rights, and supposedly trying to make the world a better place, you would think they would follow in the Obamas footsteps and produce documentaries and shows focusing on such efforts. Nope. Instead, they went the opposite direction in order to make it all about them. Here’s a newsflash for you Harry and Meghan. No one cares.
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